through the looking-glass

recycle paper, not just cardboard or paper bags, but everything paper. old classwork, magazines, scrap mail. anything made of paper.
in the u.s., paper holds the most space in landfills.

also, unplug everything. cell phone chargers (when not charging). lamps you haven't turned on in years. pencil sharpeners.
it might be a good idea to keep the fridge plugged in though. :)

throat hurts a bit.
too much screaming/water/talking/yelling/save the maiden-playing yesterday.
baha

hide. i don't like attention once i have it.

it's hot.
can't wait to go swimming.

it's too hot.

jane austen book club is a good movie.

i bought a song from it.

my bff tay :)

that's how far away we're going to be.
33 hours, 50 minutes by car.
that's like $200 bucks just for gas.
33 hours is what, almost 2 days, including stopping for sleep and food.

2297.49 miles.

screw chelle and tony on skins. 600 miles doesn't compare to 2297.49 miles.

shit.

i'd want to be able to fly...
away.
not in a weird emo way.
just in case, say, zombies attacked or whatnot.
i think flying would be useful in such a situation.

i met his cousin, who was nice.
i met a few cousins actually.
but he said some of them don't speak english cause they just moved here.

we went through pictures of past vacations and christmases and birthdays and weddings and found good pictures of his dad.
ramil said it seemed like we were picking them out for his dad's birthday or something.
which it sorta did.
it wasn't as sad.
justin said it was like his reverse birthday.
his cousin helped us until he had to leave.
then justin came and he helped narrow it down to 50 pictures.

ramil said he was glad that me and justin just came. he thanked us.
but i had to go at eleven. so i told ramil he should ask justin to spend the night.
because he didn't want to be alone in the house, just him and his mom.
before he even asked, justin said that he was staying until ramil kicked him out.
he's probably still there now.
i wish i could've stayed, but the parentals wouldn't have let me.

when i first came over, justin was there, just leaving, saying he'd come back later.
they were talking about college.
ramil said he wants to go to usc hopefully, or maybe ucla if usc doesn't work out.
because they're close.
and he said that the house might be sold. so idk.

i think the funeral's on saturday. i'm not sure.
ramil kept saying saturday when he answered the phone.
he was the one who answered the phone and the door. his mom went to sleep as soon as the first wave of guests left.

he drank spoiled milk.
then he needed something else to clear the taste, so he had wine. and i turned around as he was taking a swig of the wine. and he gave me the innocent little kid look he gives me whenever he does something dorkily immature. it was cute. and made him laugh.
sorta freaked me out at first.
but then i was like oooooooooooooooh.

i said i love you again.
and he said i love you again.
and it was good.
it felt natural.
like a "why weren't we saying this before?" kind of thing.
i said i like saying it.
he said we should say it often.
i guess we've both been wanting to say it for a while.
and now we did.
kinda sucks that we said it on a really bad day.
but i think it was good timing.

i haven't been eating much.
i haven't had dinner in two days.
and breakfast has been cookies.
except last last night i woke up at 3 cause i was so hungry and had cereal.

he gave me such great presents.
we each gave each other black hats.
the one he gave me is so soft and nice and warm and cute.
and he gave me nerds.
and i gave him a huge pack of kit kats. :)
he pretty much gasped when he unwrapped those.
and he remembered our inside joke about bandaids.
since that's sorta how we started talking.
cause i posted "ow" on myspace cause my finger was bleeding and he said he'd bring me a bandaid.
and he did eventually.
and it made me so happy to talk to him again after all summer not really seeing him.
and he remembered and said he was gonna give me bandaids too.
but he did give me really cute rings and a few bracelets.
i think i should wear the rings today. they're so cute.
he also really liked the wii controller aka candy holder that i gave him.
so it was good.

we opened presents in his room.
which was reeeeeeeeeally messy.
and justin said it looks the same as it did in 2nd grade. ha
but i liked it.
he had one of those wooden make-your-own dinosaurs on the ceiling. it was the flying kind, the terodato.
spelling error.
but yeah.
i liked that.

damn it.
i'm trying to put pictures of his dad that they want to use onto a cd.
but my sister used up all the cds for presents for her friends so now i just have weird cds left
and it won't work.
so idk what to do.
i guess i'll send them to walgreens or walmart or somewhere and they'll print them.
gah.

i love the once soundtrack.
and straylight run.
and regina spektor.
they're making me feel better.

"you're getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder.
and i don't understand, and i don't understand.
but if i kiss you where it's sore,
if i kiss you where it's sore,
will you feel better, better better?
will you feel anything at all?"
-better by regina spektor

probably the best song ever.

we prayed.
his family is really religious.
catholic. like i used to be.
so i recognized some of the prayers.
his dad's name is raphael. like ramil. except ramil goes by ramil, his middle name.
so yeah.
but that almost made me cry.
i sat next to ramil on the steps.
i remember hearing his mom ask if i'm catholic before we all got together and sat down.
he just told her i was and that was that.
he gave me a rosary.
i started freaking out. i didn't remember any of the prayers.
except maybe the beginning of one.
our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be his name. for kingdom come...... idk.
but we didn't do the rosary.
so i sorta lucked out.
but i could hear him choking up next to me.
we had to keep saying things like "oh lord, save the soul of raphael"
stuff like that.
and sometimes ramil couldn't say it.
same with me. it was hard.
i was trying not to cry.
i felt like people kept looking at me.
and my face was getting hot.
and it was bad.
but i didn't cry.
almost did.
:/

i was supposed to talk to him on the phone yesterday, but i fell asleep.
i said sorry a few minutes ago via text.
he said it's okay. that he's happy i was there at his house for so long.
from six to eleven.
i totally didn't mind though. i wanted to be there.
and he said he fell asleep anyway.
just read a line or two of his gov book. ha
he's great.

i went to rachel's yesterday and she was awesome.
i cried a little bit in her comfy-as-a-cloud bed.
and she just sat with me and hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.
and she was great and i gave her my gift and i'm thinking i'm gonna get her a subscription to a photo magazine.
it's really awesome. i've been getting emails from them for a while cause they're amazing.
it's reader-submitted photos.
and rachel loooooooooves pictures.
so i think that'll be great cause i only got her leg warmers and a bracelet. and she deserves more.
she's so great.
me and her decided we're going to get each other stuff throughout the year.
if we see it, we get it.
it's gonna be fantabulous.
and i think this magazine would be great.
plus, it's cheaper now during the holiday cheapness.
$25 for a year's worth, plus i'd get it also.
so i'm thinking i'll do that.
$12.50 each, 6 issues each.
so like $2 plus for each one. that's not bad.
and rachel would love it.
perfect. gotta ask the parentals for mula. haha

but yeah.
yesterday was better.
and today will be better also hopefully.

and i'm the one freaking out.
well, he's probably freaking out now too.
but every time i think about it, i start to cry.
and my eyes hurt from crying so much.
i had to have a wet towel on my eyes to fall asleep last night.
i had to use eye drops this morning and they still sting.
and i'm hungry but there's nothing good to eat.

and when i did fall asleep, i woke up 2 hours later because i was starving.
then i ate some cereal and still didn't feel better.
it was dark and scary in the house and i kept thinking about his dad and ghosts and monsters.
and i'm going crazy worrying about him.
and i don't know what to do.

i called rachel when i found out.
he text me, "i need 2 c u."
and i got worried, thinking he was mad at me or something.
but he wasn't mad at me. he just needed a hug.
after a little questioning, he text me, "i just need like a hug... my dad passed away tonight..."
my first thought was holy shit. then i sat staring at the text, then my computer, then back to the text, checking if that's what he really wrote.
i sat for i don't know how long.
just thinking and silently freaking out for him, trying to get the courage to tell my sister, who was sitting across the room.

finally, i just stood up and took my phone to her and showed her the text. i didn't say a word.
i just started crying as soon as she realized what it said. and she stood up and tried to hug me and make me go show our mom. my sister was really sweet about it. i can tell she cares.

but i don't know. it's like i have to be strong for him. but i'm freaking out.

he came over last night around 11 and stayed for a while.
he didn't want to be around his family anymore.
that's what he said.
and he just held me, really tight, and i tried to squeeze as close to him as i could. i think that's sorta what he wanted.
i don't even know.
and then i sorta just stroked his hair and tried to comfort him.

then he said he should probably get back.
but he stayed for a while longer.
that's when i told him i love him.
we were really close, our faces touching, and i sorta just said it.
"i love you, you know that right?" i said, half-hoping my parents in the next room wouldn't hear.
our noses were touching.
"i love you too, you know that right?" he answered.
i tried to smile and said, "i figured."
which was a stupid thing to say.
but idk.
i still don't know what to say.
but i'm glad i told him.
i've been wanting to for a while.
so idk.

but he was telling me about it.
he found his dad.
in the kitchen i think.
he said the table and chairs were all knocked over.
and he kept saying how cold his dad was.
and it was the first time i've ever seen him cry.
and i tried to wipe away his tears.
and i suck at this stuff.
idk.
i never know what to say.
rachel said to just tell him it's gonna be okay.
i said that a lot. that he's going to be okay. that it's all gonna be okay.
that he's a strong person, a good son, a great guy.

i think he's traumatized.
and it sucks.
cause there's not a lot i can do.
except for be there for him.

it's weird, cause i never even met his dad.
which sucks even more, cause i'll never get to.
but anyway, i never even met his dad, and it's like, because i care so much about ramil, my heart hurts.
i'm so sad for him that he's all i've been thinking about.

and my recent three nights of nightmares have turned into one horrible night of nightmares and insomnia.
every time i finally managed to fall asleep, i'd have a nightmare. and then wake up.
back at square one.

when i first found out, i couldn't stop shaking.
when i made ramil hto chocolate, i was standing by the microwave but i couldn't stand, because my legs were shaking so much. i had to lean against the counter.

he smelled like smoke.
like his dad.
and i can't stop smelling it.
it's all over me now.

it's not fair.
he's only seventeen, and now his dad isn't around.
and it's stupid and rediculous.

and i think he's blaming himself.
which he shouldn't.
because it's not his fault his dad had a heart attack or stroke or something.
he thinks that if he'd gone home earlier, he could've helped.
but i don't know. i think it just was gonna be bad no matter what.

they had a good day though.
ramil, his dad, and his mom all woke up pretty early.
he said that they were all just talking and laughing.
it was good that it rained, because otherwise, ramil would've been running.
so at least he got to laugh with his dad one last time.

he was so cold, he kept saying.
and he gave his dad cpr.
"a shitty job" he said.
and i said he did a good job.
that he's a good son.
that there wasn't a lot he could've done.

and he got really angry i guess.
he trashed the waiting room.
he said he flipped off people who slowed down in front of his house and yelled at people in the emergency room.
and ripped a magazine up and threw water everywhere.
and then someone from family services had to talk to him.

and i don't know what to do.

there's going to be a funeral i think.
maybe on christmas eve.
i'm not sure.
i guess i'm going.
ramil will want me there.
the last funeral i went to was sarah's great grandmother.
and i didn't really even know her.
all i knew was that she looked like sarah's mom a lot.
and idk.
i'm gonna cry a lot i think.
i can't even not cry when i watch funerals on tv shows.
or when dumbledore died in harry potter. i cried for that funeral too.
and idk.
i just want to be there for him.
but idk if i'm strong enough.

rachel cried when i told her.
i could hear her over the phone.
"that's terrible." she kept saying. or horrible. i can't remember.
but she made me feel a little better before he came over.

he wants to get a job now.
he doesn't want to ask his mom for money.
i think i'll try to get a job too.
i want to be able to pay for myself.
i don't every want him to have to pay for me.
and i'm not gonna make fun of him for that one time i paid for the gross pizza at vincenzos.

i don't know what to do.
i asked rachel if she wants to hang out.
hopefully i can get out of the house and maybe just laugh a little.

ah crap. crying again.
i think i'll hang out with rachel though.

tay, since you're the only one who might read this, idk. hi, i guess. we'll talk at new years party. that's soon enough.
i hope my mom doesn't tell too many people.

ramil said he doesn't want to be the kid whose dad died.
i hope he won't be.
idk.
i hope it isn't too weird.
but i don't even care.
i just have to be there for him.

he's not sure if he wants to go away to college now.
he doesn't want to leave his mom alone.
so idk.
i was worried that he was gonna go super far away.
now i'm worried that he's gonna stay in scv and i'll be the one who's far away.
and i don't want to leave him like this.

and it's so close to christmas.
and 22 is supposed to be a good number.
not the day of december that my amazing boyfriend's dad died.

i can't think of what else i wanted to write.
and i think i wrote enough for now.
so i'm just gonna stop.

due tomorrow.
bah.

he introduced me as his girlfriend.
:)



this happened yesterday.

he also said it's been more like a month than a week of dating.
which it has.
since nicholas's birthday.
which was....... september 19th.

i was spending the day with the new guy.
we bought a tart, milk, and weird chocolate puff balls.
and had a picnic in the trunk of his car.
it was a large trunk. not a tiny one like my car.
he has a small suv. and after a little bit, he folded the chairs down. so yeah. it was good.
but we ate a little bit.
the tart was not that good.
niether were the chocolate things.
but the milk was cold and delicious.
so that was good. :)

so we ate a bit. i ate the fruit off the top of the tart.
but we had a little bet that he couldn't get me to kiss him.
it was funny. a conversation from the day before.
so he tried to kiss me, and i tried to dodge his kisses.
and i was winning for about thirty seconds.
but then he kissed me and it was a good kiss, so i kissed him back.
and totally lost.
but then we got to kiss a lot more.
and i stopped for a moment and said, i guess i lost.
and he was like mmhmm
and we kept kissing.

after a few minutes of kissing, we stopped, for a breath, i guess.
ha
and he was laying next to me, in a black shirt with a blue M&M on it.
i had a black tank and a scarf, which i took off after we layed down, since it was choking me.
ha
but we stopped kissing and just layed in the back of his car.
and he asked, "so this is official, right?"
and i sorta laughed and smiled and said, "a lot of people have been asking me that."
and he said, "yeah, me too."
so i sorta just smiled and said, "it should be [official]."
and he smiled and we resumed laying next to each other.
a while after that, we continued to kiss.
:)

i kissed his neck, and i could tell he really liked it.
he was like, breathing differently. ha
and he told me to kiss him "harder"
which made me laugh
but once i did, he seemed to enjoy it even more.
so that was good.
then, i guess it felt really good, but he sorta lifted me up off of him and he started to kiss my neck.
which felt very very very very veryyyyy good.

but...... he gave me a hickey.
so i got to wear my scarf all weekend.
which was fine since it was kinda cold and i love that scarf anyway.
but still.
:/
bad when i'm stuck on a trip with my mom.
ha

but it was really good.
really really good.

candy day.
but that's halloween, basically.
or it is now.
i love candy. :)
 

they might not have liked some of the "dirty" teen novels i read.
but i didn't read them cuz i'm a sex-addicted teenager.
they were good books. :)
i still think they're amazing.

We looked up at the clouds

And he said he wished they were fluffy clouds

And I thought he said a bad word

But fluffy isn’t a bad word

It just sounds like one

 

Then he said they looked like smoke

And I agreed

Even though I thought they looked like water

With sugar strewn across the top

The kind of water that ants would love

Cloudy and sweet

 

My shirt was scrunched up a bit

So the grass made the small of my back itchy

And the little twisting pine needles attacked my hair

Clawed their way into my messy bun

And then refused to leave when I asked them to

Stuck fast like egg shells in batter

 

And then I had to go and we both knew it

He made me sit up

Made me stand up

Made me leave

Even though I didn’t want to

But I could tell he didn’t want me to get in trouble

I still think that’s quite sweet

 

So we walked back to my car

And he handed me my keys back

Because I needed them to drive

And I dropped him off at his house

The one with the blue green teal door with a gold handle

 

And when said his goodbyes, I forgot to keep my foot on the break and we rolled down the hill a little bit

But with my already-spinning head and closed eyes, I didn’t notice for a few moments

And then he left and I drove home

My head in a daze

ned and chuck from pushing daisies.

also, blair and chuck from gossip girl.
although they aren't so much of a couple...

that we slow-danced to....
i think it was by chris brown.

i'll have a waffle, work on my pakistan project, and then write a story about what would happen in a world where books were illegal.

down to my bones, i can feel the cold.
how odd.

also, i'm hungry.